discreet? Meet frank.

Blogging is complicated. Back in the day, I had a few friends that believed that you should blog everything. Not just every truth but every lie, every action, all of it, good and bad--the point being that you were honestly out there, for all to see. Ok given these folks were writers by trade so maybe honesty in type was kind of a big deal. I have struggled over the last few years because I don't always feel I can share my honest (and usually short-lived) reaction to stuff and then take the repercussions right in the face.

Some of that has to do with I don't own all of the secret, i.e. it involves someone else and I have not been given permission to share what I know no matter what my personal opinion is about the subject. I am unlike Paul. I have to work to keep secrets. I am not the black hole of knowledge; sucking in all information around me and compressing it to the point that even light can't escape the depths of my discretion. He has regularly not told me about a pregnancy or a engagement if he was told ahead of time until it is announced publicly. Like for months. It use to make me mad. Now... I can respect that I have a respectable husband.

The new twist is now we are a family of missionaries. Living out there with all our bumps and bruises for all to see. Sometimes it is really good to be honest and open about what I am struggling with but sometimes, its touchy. If I was out in the public forum under my own power, I would be watching my words vigilantly, waiting for the misstep. Fortunately, I am out here in the open not because I want to be but because God has lead me out here. I am constantly thanking God that I am following him, as he steers me around pitfalls and washed out bridges, and oh, volcanoes. And I just have to say, "Man, am I glad I was honest today. I'm glad I didn't take the low road, or take the cheap shot, Didn't act the small petty individual I can be at times. Because this could have completely derailed us." It's kind of a lightheaded feeling as you skate disaster. I would like to remind you that I have no formal bible training. I graduated from what is probably the anti-Moody. My vision for missions is basically "I will go where the pillar of smoke leads." If I happen to help the start of an indigenous biblical church movement of self-replicating churches on the way, all the better.

I'm slowly reading and watching dvds about how to connect with people. Mobilizing what I can only call my base is on my mind a lot, especially this week. And blogging about how I plan to mobilize my supporters (most of who read my blog) just feels kind of well ... meta. Like I'm plotting and scheming here in my dark corner of the interwebs instead of being a forthright child of God. I am often thinking and praying for individuals who are praying and thinking of me because I can't help it. Some of that stuff that I am praying about is personal and was given to me in private. Some folks are highly on my mind but I can't share it with anyone but Jesus. At times that is frustrating but most of the time it turns into a teaching opportunity about prayer. In the same way writing and talking about our partnership development isn't going to be for public consumption.

Some day I may get back to all honesty all the time. And maybe I will let the meta out the bag a bit more than I do with some forgiving souls who will take it with a grain of salt, but for now I think I need to continue to walk the line between frankness and discretion.